11 September 2013


Why are we afraid of uncertain things? To the dark? Not knowing what is there or what has been or what isn’t there, or maybe what will be when we find ourselves in unknown places, places where the secreted epinephrine makes us feel this “panic” effect or the excitement or both. Effect of sense of danger, of feeling of threat, of adventure, of risk. Adrenaline creates this effect that depending on the person, the situation we are in, the time, the moment, the environment and many things more, we liken it in a certain way.

The lack of clarity and the different shades of light entering through the small insecure hole, unsure, makes my heartbeat faster than normal. I explore, investigate, walk; the heart continues exalted, happy, unease, lucky, smiles and tells me: “forward Jordi, we’ll have loads of fun!” As spaces are changing I’m getting used to the new smells and noises. The sunrays that go through the shattered concrete roof of the spaceship form a shadow with feelings that I am accompanied, my heart has calmed down, we already are one again.

The space of Buzludzha is incredible, giant, round, amphitheatric. I admire it and think how could it have been on those times of communism, where the Socialist movement made big parties and events; Looking at the mosaics I imagine the people from the high society, with quality dresses, tuxedos, live music, worship speeches of this ideology; laughter, glasses of wine or champagne or vodka making “kling”. Smell of expensive cigars imported especially from Cuba for the bigwigs. A few fat years of excesses that seemed that they would never end: “Lyudmila, check out the belly I am getting, I’m becoming a pig”-says Stoyan while he drank a glass of champagne and the band played some communism propaganda music. “But Stoyan, you are like a ball, come on, give me one of those cigars, you know I like them a lot”-says Lyudmila while examining the dress of the wife of the President of the Bulgarian Communist Party (BCP). “Yes women, yes, let me finish this drink and get one of these great lamb legs” –answers Stoyan-. But, in the end, with the fall of the Berlin wall on 1989, those years were done. The leader of the political party, Teodor Zhivkov that supported the Soviet Union with closed eyes was forced to leave his place after the democratic demands swept Eastern Europe.

I continue exploring thru the rubble obstacles of the Buzludzha, among rocks, dust, iron, smashed structures, bricks on the ground, fallen roof parts. I go to the balcony to smoke a cigarette and I think which one would be the best way to climb the approximately 100 metres Tower, the easiest –I tell myself-.

The dark again, the heart once more, beating a hundred kilometres per hour; a long corridor completely dark, tenebrous, full of broken concrete pieces. Doors that are not there, let me see the rooms with totally crushed metal furniture. Yes, I have a flashlight, artificial light that helps me to see. But this feeling of nervousness returns, it seems as if the obscurity knew I was there: “Okay boy, now you’re in my territory, not even this synthetic clarity will make you get rid of the panic; all structures and shadows that you find along your way will remember you that I am who rules this region”. I arrive at the metal stairs that climb the around hundred meter high tower. What a fuck! What if the stairs collapse? What if one of the screws is rusty, sure that they are, and the entire structure breakdown? Questions like this are the ones that go through my head considering that the building is in disuse for almost about twenty-five years. At the same time the darkness: “I am here, remember, remember”.

Buzludzha Monument

Buzludzha Monument

When it seemed that I was at the top of the Tower, a metal structure, like scaffolding kept on going up and up, just where the Red Star was, everything has a reddish colour, even corrosion. An incredible airflow was passing through the bullet holes of the geometric figure. The metal frame moves and shouts at me: “The darkness is gone, but now it’s me who governs this territory”-while makes crack and curve that iron plate under my feet with a dry noise, Craaack, that resonates-. Scary. There are a few more floors to go. Later, everything again, the descend.